Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Nerd Alert! Screech's Giant Shlong And Urkel Lives

I always thought DUSTIN DIAMOND had a porn-star name and now it turns out the "Saved by the Bell" geek has the equipment to go with it. TV's SCREECH was a guest on HOWARD STERN's radio show this morning and confessed that he is more than a little well-endowed, measuring a solid 10 inches when not aroused. He says his large girth makes it nearly impossible to wear condoms, which are inevitably too darn "snug," and that in high school he endured a lot of locker-room teasing for his large member, so much so that he refuses to use public urinals even today. Despite his obvious porn-star potential, Screech's last paying gig was fighting "Welcome Back, Kotter"'s HORSESHACK (RON PALILLO) on "Celebrity Boxing 2" (2002). He now lives in Wisconsin, has bad credit, and says that is about to lose his house because of a bad business deal. Worse yet, TIFFANI THIESSEN has blocked him from IM'ing her on AIM, he jokes. Won't you help Screech? LOL. He's selling T-shirts to raise money on his Website www.getdshirts.com.

In other news, Urkel is alive and well and partied at the Marquee club with JEREMY PIVEN, HILARY DUFF and more B-list stars in NYC last Thursday. I mention this because last week a crazy rumor surfaced on the Web claiming that "Family Matters"' beloved four-eyed geek was found dead of an apparent suicide. If anything, Urkel has never been more hot. He's even starring in BEYONCé's new movie 'Dreamgirls' with JAMIE FOXX and EDDIE MURPHY this fall. But the real question, of course, is, how well does Urkel stack up in the trouser dept.?

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