Friday, September 29, 2006

Because Ugly Dogs Are Just So Darn Cute

You may have heard of the "World's Ugliest Dog Competition," which crowns the scrawniest, wartiest, butt-ugliest pooches in the country. Well, tonight the Animal Planet channel is airing this year's contest in all its glory at 9 p.m. and Archie and Elwood, two Chinese Cresteds seen above, are among the dogs in the running. I could tell you who won but I don't want to spoil the surprise! To see the actual dog judging in action, check out this slightly corny video from years past ...

Related Link: Vote for World's Ugliest Dog

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Nick Carter: Paris Is a 'Vampire'!

"Backstreet Boy" NICK CARTER admitted in a radio interview Thursday that he was so "scared" of hoochie girlfriend PARIS HILTON that HE held out for "2 ½ weeks" before giving it up! "The sex vid was out (I didn’t watch it till I broke up with her), and I was like, 'Is this some freakin' sex bitch?'" he says.

Nick and li'l bro AARON also told HOWARD STERN on the air that in the beginning, Paris was so eager to impress him she "cleaned his carpets" -- and we don’t mean the ones in his pants!

"She's a good actress, I'll give it to her," he says. "In the very beginning, she was literally cleaning my carpet in my apartment trying to act all domestic. Before you know it, a month goes by and she's got her nose all up in the air like, 'Who are you?'"

Nick says he met her at the restaurant Koi and describes Paris and her L.A. posse as soulless, spoiled "vampires," who sleep all day and party all night: "I was like am in 'Blade'? Is the blood gonna come out of the sprinklers and they're gonna feed on each other?'" He says he had the last laugh however, when he cheated on her after about 4 months. "I just went on a rampage and it was kind of a shock to her ego and that's basically what happened. I had the balls to admit it to her. I said, 'I did this, this and this,' and she was like, 'Noooo, God!'"

I'd almost feel bad for the heirhead except that she's now dating rocker TRAVIS BARKER, who has only been separated from his wife SHANNA MOAKLER for about 30 seconds!

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Um, This is Modeling?

Far be it from me to criticize the wise and powerful TYRA BANKS and her "Top Model" crew, but the "hair wars" photo shoot on last night's show was hilariously toe up! Tyra enlisted a team of "weavologists," who compete in urban hair shows, to create some insanely over the top hair dos (hair "dids"?) for the model wannabes, including this birdbrained get-up and a "haystack" hair don't with a spinning windmill on top. I busted out laughing when twin AMANDA (or is it MICHELLE?), seen above, joked that she looked like a broke-ass "Toucan Sam"! She was lucky, however, compared to poor BROOKE, below, who got stuck with this 4th of July contraption ...

But in the end, it was cute, little MEGAN, dolled up like an unfortunate Cocker Spaniel ("Spaceballs" anyone?), who was cut from the competition. Aww, but she's so fluffy and cute! Hey, if she's lucky, maybe pocket pooch lover PARIS HILTON will adopt her ...

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Ashlee's Good Side

ASHLEE SIMPSON wowed London crowds with her freaky gymnastic display in the new run of "Chicago," which opened last night. JESSICA's lil sis plays my namesake, Roxie Hart, in the stage musical and says she was blown away by the, like, deep themes in the play. "The play absolutely is all about celebrity and wanting to be famous and have your name in the papers," she explained. "In that sense, it's been kind of cool because I've really got to connect to that." Like, totally, Ash!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Fergie: This Is Her Brain on Drugs

Days after admitting she used to be a meth-head, pop ho FERGIE is starting to dress like your average crack head. Here she is on MTV's TRL flapping her bra....

... and a few days later, wearing half-zipped boots out on the streets of New York before a taping of DAVID LETTERMAN. Won't someone please help Fergie get the help she so desperately needs?

Friday, September 22, 2006

Friday Funnies: MC Alex Trebek Sippin' on Gin and Juice!

"Jeopardy" host ALEX TREBEK raps about as well as WILLIAM SHATNER, which makes it even funnier to hear him read lyrics by SNOOP, LL COOL J and the BEASTIE BOYS as part of the game's "MC Trebek" category.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Kill the Stylist! Two Starlets, One Dress

Oh, someone is going to pay! CHRISTINA APPLEGATE and RACHEL GRIFFITHS both showed up in the same frock last night at Hollywood's "Women in Film" brouhaha and you know how testy that can be. Even stranger, who would have thought "Six Feet Under"'s nympho would actually look better than TV's Kelly Bundy in the Hugo Boss gown?

I have to admit, I've never understood the KATE MOSS fascination and this Cirque Du Soleil dominatrix outfit isn't helping ...

And you can take the poor orphaned girl out of the Russian block country ...

... but you can't keep her from dressing like a Soviet streetwalker! Yep, that's once-cute Olympic skating medalist OKSANA BAIUL at NY Fashion Week. Please tell me that's not an actual Care Bear on her shirt!!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Clay Answers the Gay Question A Thousand Different Ways

Pop elf CLAY AIKEN is opening up in the new issue of People magazine, on stands Friday, in a very, very impish way. After weeks of silence, he finally addresses the gay tabloid rumors and those grainy photos of a Clay lookalike stripping on the Web. When he saw the photos, he says he thought, "'That doesn't look like me, but then I thought, 'Well, a little bit.' But it's not. So I laughed at it. But what was different and what bothered me was that the rumors kept on. I would have friends over at the house who I went to high school with and there was always, like, this little gorilla in the room."

Hey, what did he just call RUBEN STUDDARD?

But, seriously, when asked directly by the mag if he is, in fact, biting the pillows, Clay really starts dancing:
"What do you say to that question? You know what it's like? It's like when I was 8. I remember something would get broken in the house and Mom and Dad would call me in and say, 'Did you do this?' Well, it didn’t matter what I said. The only thing they would believe was yes. I used to think, 'Why would they ask? They think I did it. It doesn’t matter what I say.' That is what I've discovered. It doesn’t matter what I say. People are going to believe what they want."

Well, Clay, I'm no expert, but I suppose you could just say, "I'm gay," and be done with it. But hey, that's just me!

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Tuesday, September 19, 2006

And Swirl! New 'Top Model' Debuts Tonight

A new cycle of "America's Next Top Model" starts tonight at 8 with a two-hour premiere and a whole new crop of hopeless smalltown girls just waiting to be transformed! I got a peek at the premiere and, as usual, all our fave stereotypes are present: the Bitchy girl, the Stripper, the Teen Mom, the narrowminded Republican, the Hard Luck Case and - -- eek! -- the TWINS. But wait ... this is TOP MODEL, not "The Tyra Banks Show," so some of these biatches will have to go! Find out whom tonight on "The CW."

Steve-O Grateful to Nicole Richie for Teasing His Jiblets

Professional "Jackass" STEVE-O dished all the pathetic details about his hook-up with NICOLE RICHIE to HOWARD STERN on Tuesday, saying he did spend the night with the lollipop-headed heirhead but was too chicken to make a move! So he jerked off to her backside.

"She had her back to me," he said, "and she was dead asleep when I rubbed the first one out. I was, like, trying to wake her up when I was rubbing one out ... and ultimately I squeezed her hard enough the second two times she was totally awake. She never rolled over to face me." Far from being offended by this total rejection however, Steve-O said he was grateful she was even there. "I was being so careful not to offend her in anyway because I wanted to be in those tabloid magazines!" he says.

"I loved it!" he continues. "She said, 'I just broke off an engagement,' and the truth is she wanted some publicity for something other than being skinny. It was a big publicity stunt. She would come pick me up. I don’t drive. I think she called the paparazzi too. These muther effers were coming from all directions. I'm even giving interviews to the video paparazzi, and I thought this is the kind of scrutiny I WANT to be under. I want to be in the tabloids! I fuckin' loved it. I have no hard feelings. I don’t think she has any hard feelings for me."

As for Nicole's extra-crispy chicken bones, Steve-O says he has no problem with her skinny physique: "I didn't care what she fuckin' ate. I think she looks a lot damn better skinny than fat!"

Why Would This Woman's Son Be Depressed?

No one was more shocked than me about the death of ANNA NICOLE's son last week in the Bahamas after he, according to his mom, wouldn't "wake up," while visiting her in her maternity hospital room. (She delivered a baby girl named HANNAH.) Now, the big news is that he was on the anti-depressant, Lexapro, at the time of his mysterious death. Duh, anyone? If my mom was a slurry walking hangover like Anna, I'd be snorting anti-depressants like cocaine!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Britney Squirts Out Another Feder-Billy!

Remember when BRITNEY SPEARS was an adorable pop tart with a sparkling smile and a size 0 waist? Well those days are ovuh, fool! Zitney is a mama again, having given birth today to another baby boy. Don't get me wrong, I think SEAN PRESTON is the bee's knees, but how is Brit gonna carry her cheetos and Malt Liquor now with two handfuls of man-babies? K-FED, if you're out there, please have a heart, and leave the woman's love canal be for two seconds!

Fergie Likes Her Meth, Her Meth, Her Meth, Her Meth

I always had a feeling FERGIE had a weakness for the pipe, and now she's confessing in Time magazine she was pimp-slapped by crystal meth! "It was the hardest boyfriend I ever had to break up with," she tells the magazine. "I dug deep as to why I got there. It's the drug that's addicting. But it's why you start doing it in the first place that's interesting. A lot of it was being a child actor; I learned to suppress feelings." In case you were wondering, Fergie is really STACY FERGUSON, star of the goofy song and dance show "Kids Incorporated" from 1984-'89. Yes, the show was so bad it made "Full House" look like "the Sopranos," but could it really drive you to the meth???

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Congrats, Maria! Tennis's New Girly Girl

MARIA SHARAPOVA slaughtered JUSTINE HENIN-HARDENNE (6-4, 6-4) Saturday to win the U.S. Open. After watching burly, she-males like LINDSAY DAVENPORT and MONICA SELES rule the courts for so long, it's so much fun to see a girly 19-year-old like Maria take center court. Here's Maria posing with her trophy (above) and happily imitating fashion idol AUDREY HEPBURN ("Funny Face"). Nike custom-made Audrey-like outfits for the spokesbabe, including her final, all-black, tennis dress, which included a round collar, black bow around the waist and even crystals for "sparkle"! She accessorized it with her usual gold, dangly earrings and a black bow in her hair. Maria reportedly ripped out pages from fashion magazines and showed them to the senior product designer for Nike, who used them as inspiration to create the looks. Her selections added up to a style that was "classic Givenchy." "The look of it was basically like a little black dress for going out on the town," Maria told the NY Times. "Night matches in New York are kind of the 'it' thing, so you can do something a little more crazy and extravagant and get away with it." Yay, tennis is girly again!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Thank You, Hollywood P.D. For Ridding the Streets of Filthy Heirheads!

Joy, joy! Cops finally pulled over professional party hooch PARIS HILTON 12:30 a.m. for driving erratically and cuffed the biatch. Cops gave her a field sobriety test, and Paris blew a .08. In California, driving with a .08 blood alcohol level is the minimum level for DUI. The heirhead was arrested and taken to the LAPD Hollywood division, where she was photographed and booked. As per usual, her responsible lil sis NICKY came by with boy toy KEVIN CONNOLLY ("Entourage") to spring Paris. Today she called into the RYAN SEACREST show and said she was starvin' after shooting a music video (in which I'm sure she doesn't sing) and that she had one "margarita" and just wanted an In 'N' Out Burger. Hmm, wonder what the Carl's Jr. folks think of that one!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Travolta Flies the Bi-Friendly Skies

Why, Danny Zuko, why?

Suri Cruise: Think Nice Things or Her Alien Brethren Will Vaporize Yer A$$

It's entirely possible I may have had too much Kahlua when I wrote that headline but I can't stop thinking about that scene from "War of the Worlds"! As you've no doubt heard, TOM and KATIE agreed to let their darling alien infant be photographed by Vanity Fair and she is quite the adorable blue-eyed, black-haired little moppet. CBS Evening News scooped the world with these photos on their nightly newscast. Let me be the first to say that she doesn't look at all extraterrestrial, even with those strangely almond-shaped eyes that are boring, boring into my skull ....

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Before His Mail Order Bride, Emilio Was a Malibu Pimp!

After marrying slurry PAULA ABDUL (eek!) and dating saggy-kneed DEMI MOORE, who can blame EMILIO ESTEVEZ for being a bachelor for so long? At the Venice Film Fest, where he's showing his big-haired biopic of the Kennedy era, "Bobby," "The Repo Man" announced he's engaged to girlfriend SONJA MAGDEVSKI -- hmm, mail-order bride, anyone? This will surely be grim news for a busty blonde friend of mine who actually had high hopes of landing Emilio for herself! She dragged me to his Malibu estate, Casa Emilio, in 2002, hoping to be inducted into the Sheen empire -- and we did have a grand old time. Emilio makes a mean apple-tini and has a ping pong table on his patio. Thank God, CHARLIE SHEEN wasn't in the hizzay or there might have been a different kind of ping-pong show on hand! Alas, Emilio bedded my pal, but nothing ever developed. She said he was a bit of a poser anyway, claiming he was "too famous" to go out on dinner dates, and therefore insisting that he always come over for homecooked meals. As if!

So Long, Andre!

Who knew tennis could be so emotional? Tennis great ANDRE AGASSI retired from tennis this weekend with lots of tears and a heartfelt farewell to the New York fans of the U.S. Open. "The scoreboard said I lost today, but what the scoreboard didn't say is what it is I have found," he said, his lower lip quivering and tears rolling from his big brown teddy bear eyes. "Over the last 21 years, I have found you, and I will take you, and the memory of you, with me for the rest of my life." I'm sad to see Andre leave the game, but not as sad as I was to see him shave his mullet in the late '90s! He used to be the bad boy of tennis with his black tennis threads, neon shorts and ratty blonde locks. But he later joined the tennis establishment, shaving his head and wearing all white. Guess everyone has to grow up sometime. Good luck and farewell, Andre! This is how I'll always remember 'ya (foto from 1990) ...