Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Freaky Star Hookups

"Lost" pals DOMINIC MONAGHAN and EVANGELINE LILLY! My first reaction after hearing that these two were bumping uglies was "Really?" Then, "Seriously?" And finally, "NO WAY." I mean, I like hobbits as much as the next gal, but geez, if their feet are that furry, what about the rest of them! And what about his toenails? A guy once invited me to a bbq and when I got there he was in the pool and, lo and behold, when he got out his toenails were completely GREEN and MOSSY. I ran as fast as I could! Anyway, my friend saw The Hobbit and Friend snuggling at the L.A. airport over the Turkey Day wknd so it must be true. If so, I'd say Dominic definitely traded up in this deal.

JENNIFER ANISTON and VINCE VAUGHN: Hey, there's nothing sexier than a big, fat, bloated guy in his 30s -- especially when he's driving drunk!

Freaky Theater: 'Edward Scissorhands' The Musical!

TIM BURTON's Goth chestnut just debuted in London as a song and dance-happy musical. "There's a swagger of Spanish dance, a classical vision scene, a nod to West Side Story and Grease!" reports England's venerable 'Guardian.' Oh yeah, I loved that scene in Grease when Danny Zuko slashed Sandy to bits with his gi-normous fingers of death!

Tori: Split up and Knocked Up?

The latest star baby babble is that former "90210" super-virgin Donna Martin, aka TORI SPELLING, is pregnant, but not by her soon-to-be ex CHARLIE SHANIAN! Those crazy Canucks up North at CTV are going with a story that the baby daddy is her recent Lifetime TV co-star DEAN McDERMOTT. That movie, typical melodramatic fare in which Tori develops the ability to "read minds" after an accident, has been airing like crazy lately on Lifetime. McDermott, who isn't a bad-looking slice but STILL, has recently separated from his wife, a Canadian television personality and already has a seven-year-old son and recently adopted infant daughter. (Aw, say it ain't so!! Is Tori pulling a BRITNEY??) Her reps are denying this story like crazy but, hey, see my story below on celeb liars and you be the judge!

Tom Holds It Together – Just Barely

TOM CRUISE's new publicist PAUL BLOCH must be doing something right. The Top Gun's interview with Babwa Walters on ABC last night was short and sweet and only slightly unsettling. No couch jumping and just one awkward comment about "465,000 children getting off ritalin" since his MATT LAUER rant. But there was still that creepy inappropriate laughter at legitimate and non-humorless questions. Such as "Does Scientology's silent birth mean no one can talk in the delivery room?" Tom's megawatt smile never faltered as the ominous chuckle grew deep in his completely heterosexual gullet and spilled up through his soulless throat: "No – ha, ha – no. No – ha, ha. NO. Like anything – ha, ha, ha, HA, ha, ha -- you want to be as quiet as possible. There – ha, ha -- have been misinterpretations – ha, ha -- that the woman can't make any noise, and -- ha, ha -- that's just not true." (JUST WHAT IS SO BLASTED FUNNY, TOM?) "No, but just calm and quiet," he continued, still snorting under his breath. "I want KATE to be as comfortable as possible. And whatever she's gonna go through, she's gonna go through. And I'm gonna be there." Yes, Kate, never fear. Tom will be there, creepily snickering next to the Scientology doctors as you writhe and scream, unmedicated, through the joy of childbirth.

Great Moments in Tom History: Remember this happy day? A British interviewer squirted His Tomness with water at London's WOTW premiere over the summer before the armed publicists moved in.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Needful Things

It's gift-shopping time and if you're like me, you're all out of ideas! Which is how I stumbled upon these fun and freaky gifties. For those cold necks and ears, these multi-colored scarves and hats (seen below) are to die for. For the baby that was "born to rock": AC/DC and Ozzy styled baby thermals! Not so much? Then how about these adorable baby slippers in fun animal prints? For that friend, assistant, co-worker who's always late to work, check out this colorful coffee thermos with a clock built right in. But the coolest new gadget for the season has to be the i-dog, a rockin', robot dog that plugs in and dances to your ipod! Very Harajuku cool. These are just my personal faves and no, I don't see moolah from any of these products!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Brad Pitt: Super Nanny?

The taming of a hot male celebrity is a wondrous and beautiful thing. But exactly how did ANGELINA JOLIE transform BRAD PITT from a grubby, male-bonding, motorcycle-riding semi-Neanderthal into a girlie, diaper-bag-toting she-male? This pic of Brad cradling Angie's adopted Ethiopian tot ZAHARA was snapped in Tokyo just today, where the two arrived to promote "Mr. & Mrs. Smith." Don't forget the diaper wipes, Brad!

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Biggest Celebrity Liars of 2005

Since the "Brangelina" hookup, the "Nessica" split and the "Tomkat" brouhahas, I've been racking my gorgeous noodle trying to figure out why stars choose to lie through their polished veneers about their personal lives when they could simply tell the truth. That naturally led me to consider the Most Shameless Lies of 2005 (feel free to submit your own too!):

JESSICA "Daddy says I'm the best french kisser in the whole world" SIMPSON: "We are SO HAPPY. For some reason, happiness isn't interesting to people. They [the tabloids] want to sell their magazines. At the end of the day, NICK's COMING HOME TO ME." What day would that be exactly? Tues-neds-urs-zzle-day? Responding July 25 to questions on the status of her marriage with NICK LACHEY to "Entertainment Tonight."

ANGELINA "I want to taste everyone in the world" JOLIE: "To be intimate with a married man, when my own father cheated on my mother, is not something I could forgive. I could not look at myself in the morning, if I did that." As told on June 8 to befuddled interviewer Ann Curry, shortly after she was splashed across every tabloid in the world with Aniston ex Bradley Pitt. I'm appalled to say yours truly was actually taken in by this total fib. I mean, who can resist the "I came from a broken home" plea from a star? So my faith in Hollyweird was shattered, of course, when pics appeared of Nursemaid Brad practically suckling Angelina's little tot, Zahara, at his man-breast.

JENNIFER "More Xanax, Please" ANISTON: "Do I talk to Brad? Yes, we do, I do. That's very peaceful. It's a really peaceful thing." Just what dosage are you on, Jen? Yes, every woman who's been ditched by her gorgeous husband for a giant-lipped Amazon considers their breakup "peaceful."

KATIE HOLMES: "I have looked into it myself and I really like it and I think it's really wonderful," regarding Scientology to "Access Hollywood" on June 21 during her Cruise-a-palooza Summer Tour.

CHRIS "I'm losing my hair and my beloved Katie-Kat" KLEIN: "I’m not lonely. I’ll tell you that, I’m certainly not crying myself to sleep at night, sucking my thumb. No, Dude, I’m out and about." -- Details magazine. Yeah, sure you are dude. So what was the box office on "Just Friends" again?

Sayanara, Mr. Miyagi

Actor Pat Morita, that's "Karate Kid"'s Mr. Miyagi to you and me, died over the Thanksgiving holiday, leaving a pop culture vortex not felt since that little blond girl from the "Poltergeist" movies expired from drinking pop rocks and soda. (It's true, I swear!) Believe it or not, Morita (seen here in a strangely homo-erotic pose with Ralph Macchio) was nominated for an Oscar for his turn as the impossibly wise and good-hearted dojo master. (He lost, unfortunately).

He passed away from "natural causes" in Las Vegas, his wife said, which I presume means "strippers and all-you-can-eat buffets." Wax on, wax off, indeed. Seriously, I'll miss Morita, but take comfort in knowing that I can watch my dogeared copy of "The Karate Dog," starring him, Chevy Chase and that fine actress Jaime Pressly.