Friday, March 31, 2006

Cranky Harrison Ford Hates Internet Gossips

Grumpy old man HARRISON FORD declared he "hates the Internet," because it means anyone can spread malicious gossip about him, according to WENN News. The once-hunky actor, who plays a computer-security specialist in his latest film "Firewall," said he sees a need to censor his words to avoid being misrepresented online. Gee, I can't imagine what he means! With veins a poppin' out of his neck, he growled, "The worst thing about the Internet is that anything and everything is up for grabs! How can that be, when I limit my public conversations to about once every couple of years? Any kind of rubbish goes on the Internet and it can have a f**king life of its own." At this point, shouldn't Harrison be grateful he gets any kind of publicity at all? Hold on, this response just in ... "Dear Harrison, I hate you too. Love, The Internet."

Related News:
Indiana Jones and the Bedpan of Doom

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'Scary Movie 4' Trailer: B/C Hating Tom C. and Dr. Phil Never Gets Old

Posted by popular demand is the trailer for "Scary Movie 4," which makes fun of 'War of the Worlds' and its star TOM CRUISE, along with Texas yokel DR. PHIL, who finds himself chained the in basement from "Saw" with SHAQUILLE O'NEAL. I've seen it four times now and still crack up every time...

The guy playing Tom is CRAIG BIERKO. You might remember him as Carrie's date, the "Sax Man," on "Sex and the City."

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Joey Ditches Wife, Keeps Lame Sitcom

MATT LeBLANC is splitting from wife MELISSA, the National Enquirer announced today, in a move that even Chandler and Joey's "chick and duck" could have seen coming.

Flash back to last summer, when LeBlanc ran to the tab claiming he was "led astray" by a "sexually aggressive" stripper at a Canadian joint called Monty's, described simply as an "all-nude strip club."

In the story headlined "My Wild Night With a Stripper," the actor admitted he was drunk and "nearly cheated on his wife" after a table dance that got out of control.

"She was in my face, pushing her breasts into me and grabbing my hands to go all over her body," claimed a shaken LeBlanc. He said he later apologized to his model-wife Melissa, mother of his 18-month-old daughter.

Isn't it just awful how those oiled up, half-nekkid broads rub themselves all over guys who are just trying to enjoy their $15 beers? I hear that no matter how many $20 bills you stick in their G-strings, they just keep on coming.

On the bright side, this might actually help ratings of LeBlanc's lame spinoff "Joey." I actually went to a taping of the sitcom last year and was surprised by how rowdy Matt was on-stage. He was cursing a blue streak, "shit this and eff that," whenever he missed a line, which, frankly, was a lot funnier than the scripted stuff. Funny tho -- I always thought COURTNEY COX would be the potty mouth of the six-pack.

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Seth Green Plays with Chickens, Dolls

Things got a little koo-koo-roo when "Party Monster" SETH GREEN launched the DVD for his new animated series, "Robot Chicken," at the Playboy Mansion. The Cartoon Channel series drew a strictly C-list roster of celebs including former teen idols MELISSA JOAN HART and COREY FELDMAN. Green, who's pretty firmly planted on the C-list himself, revealed to HOWARD STERN last week that he is a huge "Star Wars" geek and G.I. Joe action figure fan, and that his toy collection has become so large he has to keep it in a storage unit. He also added that when he was on the hit "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" he used to give SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR and the other castmates his own homemade "dolls" of them in their likenesses. He joked however that he quickly discovered doing so was "a women deterrent."

Meanwhile, at the party, Hef got his rocks off as "Girl Next Door" KENDRA did it chicken-style! Who says chickens don't have nuggets??

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Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Freaky Star Hookups: Ryan and Teri!

Us Weekly has got the first photos of HatchCrest, TERRI HATCHER and RYAN SEACREST, snogging on the beach. I'm not saying this is a setup, but if you were a super-famous undercover couple, would you openly stroll on a public beach sucking face?

More Freaky Star Hookups:
Pam and Kanye
Kristin Cavallari and Nick Lachey
Dominic Monaghan & Evangeline Lilly

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Bjork? Yep, Still Crazy

My favorite walking fashion disaster, BJORK, tried on a new Japanese look at the MOMA museum in New York. Always remember, a kimono isn't a kimono without red stockings and Mary Janes!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Britney on 'Will & Grace'

The long-awaited "Will & Grace" episode guest-starring BRITNEY SPEARS is airing at 8 p.m. Thursday, y'all! Britney plays Amber Louise, a conservative Southern belle hired by the new owners of Jack's show to be his co-host. "Amber Louise is very uppity," Britney says. "She's very self-righteous and there's a lot of secrets that she has that you find out. She's trying to take over Jack's job, basically, and he's not too thrilled about it. They just kinda butt heads." We all know Brit can pull off the Southern part, but can this Beverly hillbilly convincingly play someone who wears SHOES? See clips of her from the show here on Yahoo.

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Drew Barrymore in NYC

It's good to see DREW BARRYMORE back in action! After her disastrous "SNL" gig, she's started shooting her new film "Music and Lyrics By" in NYC. It's a romantic comedy about two musicians, starring HUGH GRANT. Remember him? Release date is this fall. Aww, ain't she cute?

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Monday, March 27, 2006

Wilmer on Lindsay, Mandy and That Giant '70s Shlong'

WILMER VALDERRAMA did more than kiss and tell Monday on HOWARD STERN, he gave up ALL the dirt on ex-girlfriends LINDSAY LOHAN, MANDY MOORE and JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT. There was so much insane gossip, I have to break it down into bullets:

  • On being very "well endowed": "Honestly, I've been very blessed. This is the place where I will tell you, yes, I am cursed with this gift. It's over 8 inches.

  • On Lindsay's weight loss: "When we met she was this bombshell. She was Jessica Rabbit. She lost weight after we broke up, way after."

  • On jealous Lindsay deleting other girls' numbers from his phone: "Well, that stuff happens. There was times where certain things made her uncomfortable. There's certain insecurities that come with being in love."

  • On Lindsay's boobs: "Yes, they are real."

  • On reports he dumped Lindsay for ASHLEE SIMPSON: "Ashlee and I never dated. I think she's a beautiful girl. We just became best friends and when Lindsay and I broke up, in all seriousness, the tabloids started taking it in all directions."

  • On meeting his "first love" Mandy Moore at a Teen magazine shoot: "When we first met she was like this huge pop princess. She said, 'I'm good,' and I said, 'Well, you look good,' and the room stops. God forbid you should talk to the princess like that.'"

  • On taking Mandy's virginity: "How do I put this in the most politically correct way possible? It's just really good."

  • On Jennifer Love in bed: "She's an 8."

  • On how he gets all these young starlets: "I'll be completely honest with you. The one thing that really helped me is when I was in high school, the movie 'Desperado' came out and then it was cool to have an accent and wear tight jeans. The fact is I'm the guy who will stand up in a booth and I will do a shot with anybody. I'm not the guy who's roped off in the VIP pretending I'm wearing this and that."

I haven't quite decided if Wilmer is either a super-pimp or a supreme douche, but if you have opinions, bring them on, bizzatches!

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Josh Tries to Exorcise Fergie!

"Las Vegas" hunk JOSH DUHAMEL has presented his clearly demonic girlfriend, FERGIE, with what else? A $25,000, 14-carat diamond vintage cross!! At the Vegas nightclub Pure this past weekend, Josh thrust the holy weapon at the BLACK EYED PEA succubus during her 31st birthday. Some people might call this a touching birthday gift, but I see it for what it really is, a desperate attempt to drive the unholy demons out of Fergie's "humps." Begone, Satan's spawn!

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Sunday, March 26, 2006

Star Sightings: Mischa, Spenderline, His Purpleness

The cool thing about living in Hell-Ay is that sometimes you can stumble into a celeb party without really trying. Last night, we intended to go to the Chateau Marmont but were rudely turned away no doubt because I lack the A-List star power and gi-normous jawline of the Great Perez Hilton. (Hey, don't breasts count for anything in this town anymore? Sheesh.) We had the last laugh however when we headed to the newly re-done hotspot The Roosevelt (a classic, old Hollywood Blvd. hotel reportedly haunted by MARILYN MONROE's ghost) and wound up in the middle of a poolside Keds promotional party with "O.C." cutie MISCHA BARTON and Aussie rockers THE VERONICAS. Mischa was there chatting up her new line of "Keds," which are kinda funny because they make her giant feet look like canoes. That aside, however, the 90-pound pin-up was a complete doll -- her only diva request was that the bouncers keep out her trollish ex, BRANDON DAVIS. Meanwhile, her new trollish b-frie, CISCO, wasn't there and an insider who was by her side swears that she's enjoying a hot and steamy flirtation with Brit popper JAMES BLUNT (she's in his new video "Goodbye My Lover").

Not bad for a Saturday night, we thought! But then we heard that PRINCE played a private show at the Roosevelt the night before and that the crowd went wild when he sang his '80s hits from "Purple Rain," including "I Would Die 4 You" and "Let's Go Crazy." Making the rounds that night was none other than KEVIN SPENDERLINE, minus his "old lady" and NICK LACHEY. K-Fed must have been there trying to pick up licks for his next track. Popozao!

UPDATE: As for the ghost mention I just made, funnily enough, gossip columnist LIZ SMITH reports today [March 28] that,
"Nick Lachey told a pal recently that he walked into an elevator of the famous Roosevelt Hotel in Hollywood and was confronted with a gorgeous blonde dressed in sexy 1950s-style evening wear. He pressed his floor and then turned around for a better look at the lady. He says she had vanished! He says the phantom looked a lot like . . . Marilyn Monroe."

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Friday, March 24, 2006

Jen's Kinky Maid Costume

Check out JENNIFER ANISTON in this slutty French Maid outfit! Is "Maniston" already looking for tricks to spice things up in the boudoir with VINCE VAUGHN? Actually, this is a shot of Jen from her new flick "Friends with Money." In the ensemble comedy, out April 7, Jen plays an aimless 30-something "domestic assistant" who rebels against her rich, MARRIED friends by having sex with her boyfriend in their houses. Kinda like ANGELINA with BRAD, eh, only with movie trailers? Well, okay, maybe not.

More Pics:

"Friends with Money" also stars JOAN CUSACK, CATHERINE KEENER and FRANCES McDORMAND, giving it a possible score of 6 out of 10 on the Suck-O-Meter.

(Pic Source: Sony Pictures Classics)

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Thursday, March 23, 2006

Oh No, They Killed Chef!

"South Park"'s beloved lunch king met a sad and bloody end in last night's season premiere of the cartoon, following a feud between star ISAAC HAYES and creators MATT STONE and TREY PARKER. Hayes, who provides the deep sultry voice of the cafeteria cook, is a Scientologist and objected to the animators' depiction of the alien-worshipping sect in the now-infamous TOM CRUISE "Trapped in the Closet" episode. Hayes said he could no longer support a show that disrespected religion and resigned March 13, while evil geniuses Matt and Trey argued that he never had any problem with the show when they made fun of other religions. So they struck back by writing a new episode in which Chef returns acting "strangely" after having been "brainwashed" by a child-molesting cult known as the "Super Adventurers' Club." Using dialogue pasted together from Hayes' previous years on the show, they had the last laugh as poor Chef wound up tragically falling to his death from a rope bridge and being eating alive by a bear and a lion. I must be getting softer than Cartman's backside because I have to say it was kinda sad to see poor Chef torn to a bloody pulp after all these years. Poor old chocolate salty balls...

Related News:

Tom Cruise Is Not a Control Freak
Secret Star Scientology Base Uncovered

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Katie's About to Pop!

TOMKAT surfaced in Northern Cali yesterday for a surprise blitz at the Yahoo! "campus." As always, Tom kept a firm grip on his little lady, who looks like she could give birth any minute now. Prepare the Scientology birthing room!

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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Funny Photos: 'Brokeback Robin,' Natalie Touches Her Monkey and Bill Murray Wipes Out

Isn't ROBIN WILLIAMS a sexy cowpoke? Here he is on the set of the "Brokeback" sequel, "Brokeback Patch Adams." Psyche! Actually Robin was in costume for his new drama, "August Rush," in which he plays a street musician who takes care of an orphaned musical prodigy played by "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"'s FREDDIE HIGHMORE. The movie's currently shooting in NYC.

While at ShoWest in Vegas, NATALIE PORTMAN enjoyed a little hot monkey love. Bubbles, noooo!

And on the other side of the world, BILL MURRAY showed off his mad-surfin' skills in Hawaii. Hang 10, Bill!

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Monday, March 20, 2006

Portia Says: Ally Made Me Anorexic

PORTIA DE ROSSI admits in the new Vogue magazine that she became so obsessed with being as thin as lollipop head CALISTA FLOCKHART on "Ally McBeal" that she starved herself down to 82 pounds (!). At one point in 1999, Portia says she was restricting her calories to 300 a day so that she could be a sexy skeleton like Ally. "I didn't really know at that point what it was like to be a celebrity, and the only people I knew at the time who had a similar experience were these women whom I worked with. They became my role models," she tells Vogue. While I doubt that Calista actually held Portia's head to the toilet, I can kinda see how that show could warp your view of what a women should look like. Portia, who now weighs a normal 125 pounds, says, "I'm not proud of this struggle. (While anorexic) it just seemed like I literally wanted to disappear. And now I would like
to reappear."

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Saturday, March 18, 2006

Girlie Heaven! Dress Your Fave Stars

Okay, so the new guilty pleasure online is where you can dress dozens of stars from AVRIL LAVIGNE and BRITNEY SPEARS to JENNIFER ANISTON and even EMINEM. The free site provides the face and body of your fave celeb and you doll them up in miniskirts, overalls, pageboy caps, wigs, whatever! Try it once and you'll be hooked. I know I am!

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Thursday, March 16, 2006

Superman Vs. Wolverine!

Superman and Wolverine are going head to head (or cape to claw) in Vegas this week as the studios trot out their superhero stars for ShoWest, the annual movie convention for theater owners. HUGH JACKMAN, who plays Wolverine in "X-Men: The Last Stand," will receive the show's Male Star of the Year award today, while "Superman Returns"' BRANDON ROUTH is getting the honor for Male Star of Tomorrow on Friday. Both of these awards are bogus, of course, but what is cool is that 'Superman' director BRYAN SINGER, who also directed the first two "X-Men" feaches, will get to screen the new "X" film and vice versa. So who will win the summer superhero smackdown? (My money's on "X-Men," but only because I have a huuuuge crush on Wolverine. Sigh.) "I saw the trailer to X-Men," Bryan told USA Today. "It looked awesome. I can't wait to see it!"

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Don't Mess With Brooke Hogan

If you try to mack on Hollywood hottie BROOKE HOGAN, prepare to get stomped by her dad HULK HOGAN, brother! Brooke is the smokin' hot teenage daughter of the technicolor wrestler and star of VH1's reality show "Hogan Knows Best." The fam was on HOWARD STERN this morning talking about filming the show and how a certain cameraman kept barging in on 16-year-old Brooke while she was changing in her room.
"He just completely didn't knock and walked in and I was completely nude," she says, "and then it happened again and again and again. I think he likes seeing me nude. He'd be like, 'Sorry,' and close the door and stuff. He was polite about it but it had to come to an end because I knew my dad would take his life. Remember that?" she then asked her dad. "No, you didn't tell me that," Hulk replied. "I'm gonna kill that f(*&%'in Josh." Hulk isn't kidding. He revealed that DON VITO, the fat creepy bastard from "Viva La Bam," grabbed young Brooke on the red carpet at the Grammys and Hulk hit him so hard he was "bleeding."
"He's crazy," Brooke said. "He's like, 'Oh my God, lemme touch her.' I was 16. I was a little bit shocked." Hulk explained, "I just grabbed him and whacked him in the side." Moments later, Don was mysteriously bleeding. It's not entirely Don's fault however. I mean, if your jail bait daughter is dressing like a porn star, you might wanna put the brakes on that booty!

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Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Jessica, Kristin's Got Yo' Man!

She's blonde, she's ditzy and she's seeing JESSICA SIMPSON's ex! Yes reports that MTV "Laguna Beach" hottie KRISTIN CAVALLARI is dating broken-hearted boy bander NICK LACHEY. According to People, the two were seen this past weekend "having a drink together at Stanley's restaurant in Sherman Oaks, CA," (which is in the Valley for you non-West Coasters). This is the second time the two have been spotted. It's possible, of course, that they are "just friends," as Kristin claims. As fans of "Laguna Beach" know, she used to date UCLA quarterback MATT LEINART (see below), who is also a friend of sports nut Nick. So has Jessica really given her man up for good? Little Kristin could give her a run for her extensions. Just ask L.C.!

Related News:
Laguna Beach Stars Hit Fashion Week
Nick Needs a Hug
Nick Wants Half

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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

More Wedding Buzz For the Brangie Bunch

The resort town of Lake Como in Italy is about to be invaded by throngs of swarthy, long-lensed paparazzo now that rumors of a BRANGELINA wedding have surfaced again. Tongues are wagging that the camera-shy twosome will marry on the lake on Saturday, near pal GEORGE CLOONEY's millionaire digs. If this wretched event really does take place, two people who definitely won't be invited are (2) Angie's estranged dad JOHN VOIGHT, who tearfully begged her to get counseling for her mental issues on "Access Hollywood" and (2) MICHAEL DOUGLAS, who strangely came out against the couple in the new GQ mag. "I don't know about Brad Pitt," he reportedly said, "leaving that beautiful wife to go hold orphans for Angelina. I mean, how long is that going to last?" Probably longer than the theater run for that turd, "It Runs in the Family," no?

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Monday, March 13, 2006

German 'Idol'! Echt knörke! (That's Cool!)

What do Germany and the states have in common? They both have "Idol" fever and their very own ELLIOTT YAMINs. Yes, the ABE LINCOLN sideburns are going transcontinental. That's Germany's TOBIAS REGNER rockin' the mike (and the facial shorties) on the left.

And the three semifinalists above. Nice use of the "AI" logo, krauts!

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Friday, March 10, 2006

Natalie Portman Is a Bad-Ass Gangsta Biatch

I never thought I'd be scared of a 90-pound white girl until I saw NATALIE PORTMAN's rap video. It's from the same "SNL" posse who came up with the "Chronicles of Narnia" and features the adorable waif screaming about wanting to "drink and fight and eff all night" while wailing on some adoring fans. Nat kicks ass below. Enjoy!

Despite her mad rappin' skills, a new interview in the upcoming Vanity Fair (on stands March 14) proves that Natalie is still a good girl. She tells the mag:
"I'm not super-scandalous, but I've had drunken nights out, you know? I don't court it, I don't go out every night. I don't date famous people most of the time. I saw cocaine for the first time a month ago in Spain. I mean, for the first time in my life somebody was like, 'You want a line?' I was like, 'Oh, my God!'"

Apparently her wackiness is confined to not wearing "leather" or any "animal products." The article says, "Portman is a strict vegetarian, and that extends to the materials she lets touch her skin. She sniffs handbags to make sure they don't contain a trace of leather, and wears sneakers almost every day."

Sniffing handbags? What is that? Sounds sooo WINONA RYDER. Must be the new Rodeo Drive high!

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Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Boob Test Answer No. 3!

No. 3 is "So Notorious" husband-swapper TORI SPELLING!

So how many did you get right? Two and you're a bonafide JEREMY PIVERT. Three? Well then, "Dr. 90210," you're needed back in the O.R.! Back to the awesome Boob Quiz here!

Project Runway Prediction! Daniel Will (Oops, Not) Win

THURSDAY UPDATE: Oh, snap!! Looks like those sneaky editors pulled a fast one on me. Congratulations, CHLOE! I do think she was most deserving, although I didnt care for all those super-matchy quilted dresses. A bit too "Dynasty" for my tastes. But I'm glad she won. Wonder if she'll turn down the Banana Republic prize tho, like the haughty Miss JAY McCARROLL?

WEDNESDAY POST: The hot topic at our office water cooler today is: Who will take tonight's finale of "Project Runway"? Most folks in my pod think swaggering SANTINO RICE will triumph even though "he doesn't deserve to." But after breaking down the editing of last week's episode, I predict that hipster DANIEL VOSOVIC will be the real runway ruler. That's not to say he's the best designer, only that if there's one thing I've learned from watching four seasons of "America's Next Top Model," it's that reality show editors always love to pull a bait and switch on viewers by presenting the most damning clips of the winner before they are crowned! Case in point: All the clips they used of TIM GUNN evaluating Daniel's collection were negative and bitchy, with Daniel fretting, "Why isn't he gushing?" Got an alternate theory? Let me know here!

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Joan Rivers' Post-Oscar Zingers

Even though wicked old bitty JOAN RIVERS has been relegated to ranting in between listings of "The Fresh Prince" and "Queer Eye" on the "TV Guide Channel," the Duchess of Double Entendres still manages to get some zingers in. Here's Joan... ...

On why "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN" didn't win Best Picture: "The whole movie is a sham. They're not gay in the least. In the last shot, he's sitting in a trailer, and that is not a gay man's trailer. There are no tassels, no pictures of CHER, no antlers."

On TOMKAT! "She first saw him when she was 4 years old and what they had in common is that she was as tall as he is."

On BRANGELINA's claim they were "just friends" until the divorce! "Oh, Please. He's been on top of her so much he's worn off her tattoos."

Atta girl, Joanie!

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Monday, March 06, 2006

Spot the Tranny!

One of these things is not like the other -- can you pick it? Do you know? Yes, one of these Hollywood posers is not what they appear. Thanks to the miracle of modern plastic surgery, she was formerly a "HE."

I realize this quiz isn't entirely fair since PAM ANDERSON has started to look like a he-male in recent years. But take a closer look at AMANDA LE PORE, a Manhattan transsexual who's had a sexual reassignment surgery, breast implants, lip implants, butt implants and hormone injections.

She may be "all woman" from the thighs up, but sadly, she's still got those knobby-kneed man legs!

For more fun and games: Pick the Real Paris?

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Sunday, March 05, 2006

Oscar Hotties!

KEIRA KNIGHTLEY had it going on like donkey kong!
Sexy SALMA sure can fill out a dress.

UMA killed in this gorgeous frock!

Oof, and then there was CHARLIZE. This dress makes "Aeon Flux" look like a good idea ...

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Oscar Couples!

Aww, it's Hollywood's Wonder Twins -- SANDY and KEANU! "Form of -- a straight couple! Don't worry, Keanu, no one will catch on to our super disguise."
For star wattage, no one tops MADGE and her British bloke.
And behold the return of J.LO and her favorite "plus one." Will these two ever admit to actually marrying??

Look what Scraps dug up! Director TIM BURTON and his wife HELENA BONHAM, wearing my Aunt Kitty's wig and white pumps!

And, hey, with ladies like those, DOLLY doesn't need a date!

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Mad Max's Oscar Rant

In case you were wondering what crazy MEL GIBSON was ranting about on the Oscars, he was speaking "Mayan," the tongue that his new film, "Apocalypto," is written in. Mel appeared from the set of his action-adventure flick shot in Mexico as part of the show's opening sketch showcasing all the celebs who turned down the hosting gig this year. 'Apocalypto' recreates the ancient doomed civilization, using mostly no-name actors speaking in a dead language. (Sounds like a winner -- zzzz.) A trailer released for the film last fall showed a brief flash of the bearded Mad Max clutching a clay-coated actor and grinning maniacally (see pic at left).

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Friday, March 03, 2006

Skating with Stupidity?

When you're a married figure skater and you start banging your ditzy ice skating partner, you probably want to keep things cool while you're performing together on TV. Unless you're "Skating with Celebrities'" LLOYD EISLER. Lloyd did everything but throw KRISTY SWANSON down on the ice and mount her in front of 15 million viewers on Wednesday night's "Skating with Celebrities" finale. The hot 'n' heavy partners hugged, kissed and giggled their way through the entire performance, which, and I love this part, included a routine to RICK JAMES' "Superfreak." I couldn't help but feel for Lloyd's poor then-pregnant wife. Not only did she have to deal with his hideous hoop earrings, but now she has to watch him grind the blonde bimbo from "Dude, Where's My Car?" As if we hadn't forgotten Kristy's last math brain fart, she screamed out, "I can't do math that well!!" after the judges
scores were read. I was reminded of the wise words of CHARLIE SHEEN, who after making the big-screen bomb "The Chase" with Kristy declared, "If ever a thought were to enter that girl's head, it would be a very lonely thing." Indeed, Charlie, indeed.

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