Thursday, April 27, 2006

Jessica Alba's Wardrobe Malfunction!

Don't ya just hate it when your dress strap falls down on the red carpet? Gorgeous JESSICA ALBA felt that little tickle at Us Mag's Hot Hollywood party and thought she was gonna pull a TARA REID. Much to the disappointment of men everywhere, however, it was just a false alarm -- her garments were all in place.

More Wardrobe Malfunctions:

Lindsay's Ass Flash
Beyonce's Dress Drama
Name the Star's Atomic Wedgie!

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Jim Belushi Busts a Move, Breaks Ass

Note to JIM BELUSHI: You're no PARIS HILTON! The "According to Jim" star was shakin' his moneymaker atop a platform at the opening of RANDE GERBER's Cherry nightclub in Las Vegas this past weekend when he slipped and fell on his million-dollar ass. And yes, that's LISA RINNA egging him on!

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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Ashlee Says: 'I'm Cuter Than Jessica'

Has ASHLEE SIMPSON gone blind, deaf and well ... okay, three for three? JESSICA's younger sibling is bragging about her assets in the press, according to the Scotland Daily Record. (Nope, I've never heard of it either.) But according to the Scots, Ashlee boasted, "I'm taller than she is and my legs are longer than hers ... I got lucky because my chest size isn't completely massive." Anything else you'd like to get off your chest, Ash?

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Brangie: 'Leave Us Alone, Dammit! But Aren't We Hot?'

Stars-on-the-run ANGELINA JOLIE and BRAD PITT were photographed lounging on a big, African, sand dune in the new photos obtained by just after the two asked for "privacy" and had 3 meddlesome photographers thrown out of the country. Mixed messages, anyone? People snagged the shots by nominating the twosome for their "World's Most Beautiful Family" title, which they surely made up just to get this spread. Klassik! I'm sure Brangie's new life in Namibia is wonderfully warm and fulfilling but it just looks so goshdarned dull! Not too mention sandy.

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Top Model Tonite! Jade Meets Her Match and The Girls Go Overseas

The girls get a crash course in fielding the tough questions from a PR rep and then come face to face with Vanity Fair's very own Queen of Mean, GEORGE WAYNE, on tonight's two hour smack-tacular of "America's Next Top Model" (8 p.m. UPN). She's never at a loss for bitchy comments about her competitors around the house, but the all-natural Miss JADE stammers for answers when Georgie attacks her looks and her signature head scarfs! "I'm not afraid to ask the tough questions," he tells the camera and then snarls, "You look like an arrogant bitch to me. Do you think you're NINA SIMONE?" The claws are out, bitches! Meanwhile, the usually confident DANIELLE is having second thoughts about refusing to close the gap in her teeth after TYRA warned her last week, she's "not marketable." "I don’t wanna go home because I didn't get the gap closed," she confesses. "I feel like that is the biggest challenge that has ever faced me." Personally, I'm rooting for Danielle and Joanie at this point. I predict that gawky SARAH will be the next runway roadkill! And the big trip… is it London or Tokyo? Nope! It's THAILAND. And the girls are thrown when their first shoot is hanging upside down from a fishnet over a Thai canal as mermaids. Yow! At 9 o'clock is the inevitable "look back" show with recaps and new scenes.

Related ANTM rants:
Tyra's Collapse
Mollie Sue Gets Married and The Top Models Sashay, Chantey!
Top Models Michelle, Lluvy and Brittany Out on the Town

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Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Whose New Album Is More Hurl-Worthy: Jacko or K-Fed?

Prepare for the musical apocalypse, people! Whispers of a MICHAEL JACKSON collabro with rapper 50 CENT are hitting the Web, supposedly spearheaded by DJ WHOO KID, a member of Fitty's crew, who told he is heading to Bahrain in two weeks to take possession of tracks Jacko has been working on in his home studio there.

Meanwhile Mr. BRITNEY SPEARS, FED-HER-A-LINE, just debuted songs from his new CD at a private party at Pure in Vegas over the weekend.

Let's see, songs by an exiled child molester vs. songs by a talentless chucklehead? Can I just drive a screwdriver into my ears now?

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Denise and Richie Share Kiss, Bad Dancing

In the latest freaky star hookup, Wild Thing DENISE RICHARDS and rocker RICHIE SAMBORA were photographed smooching and grooving last week on a Laguna Beach balcony, which is slightly odd considering they're both in the process of splitting from their exes (CHARLIE SHEEN and HEATHER LOCKLEAR, who ironically worked together on "Spin City"). I guess it is true, what GLORIA ESTEFAN said, the rhythm is gonna get ya!Shake it, Richie, shake it!

As for Heather, she has yet to explain this crime against nature...

More Freaky Star Hookups:
Ryan Seacrest and Teri Hatcher
Pam and Kanye
Kristin Cavallari and Nick Lachey
Dominic Monaghan & Evangeline Lilly

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Nick Jokes About His Post-Jessica Affairs

He may be a meathead, but at least NICK LACHEY has a sense of humor. As reports that the musclebound cutie is dating MTV "TRL"'s VANESSA MINNILLO hit the Web, the "Soulo" hottie joked about the whole situation last week on "TRL" with Vanessa and the tabloids. She, of course, has denied the two are knockin' boots, even though she's co-starring in his new video "What's Left of Me." And to deflect attention from the two of them, she held up fake tabloid covers linking him with other high-profile stars, such as...

KATIE COURIC? "Katie and I have had a torrid love affair for years and years and years," he joked, "and it finally leaked out in the press and I'm glad I can finally come clean and admit to it after all these years. That one is true."

MTV's DAMIEN? "It's a rarity -- but this one is also true and I have to admit right here on 'TRL' that Damien is a far better kisser than you are, Vanessa."

K-FED? "I find K-Fed irresistible. It was one night, we had a few drinks and stuff happened. What can I say?"

See the actual spoof below...

I have to admit I actually saw Nick on the L.A. set of his new TV sitcom, "She Said, He Said," and he looked adorable, wearing jeans and a dusty blue T with his blue eyes blazin'! He didn't seem heartbroken at all -- believe dat!

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So This Is Where Paris Gets 'It' From

Yes, that's PARIS HILTON's mom, KATHY HILTON, tonguing her hubby on the red carpet at the Las Vegas club Pure over the weekend. Like mother, like daughter, no? The night's big event was held to celebrate the musical stylings of the one and only K-FED-HER-A-LINE, who held a listening party for his new album "Playing with Fire" at the party. Does the boy ever (a) shave or (b) put down the ciggies?

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Thursday, April 20, 2006

Tom to Feed Baby Crazy Religious Formula

Now that baby SURI has landed, PageSix reports that Super OT (or Operating Thetan) TOM CRUISE will be feeding her a special mix of Scientology-approved baby formula: "It's a mixture of barley water, milk and corn syrup." Mmmm, corn syrup -- it does a body good.

For more Tomkat,
Tom on Cannibalism.
Tom is Not a Control Freak
Katie and Tom's Yahoo Blitz.
The Katie Holmes Robot Doll!
Secret Star Scientology Base Uncovered

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Critics Compare Julia Roberts' Acting to 'Lamp Post'

In non-Cruise news, hottie turned recluse JULIA ROBERTS debuted in the play "Three Days of Rain" last night on Broadway and the critics were there with daggers in hand! The New York Times compared the "Pretty Woman"'s acting to "the unyielding stiffness of an industrial lamp post," saying her "voice is strangled, abrupt and often hard to hear. She has the tenseness of a woman who might break in to pieces at any second." The Chicago Tribune found Roberts' performance "so introspective and lacking in sexual energy that it feels almost apologetic." Of course, that didn't stop simpering sycophant OPRAH from gushing, "I'm so excited!" as she dashed into the theater. Hundreds of fans supposedly packed the narrow city block outside the Bernard B. Jacobs Theatre on 45th Street in Manhattan and stars like Tony Soprano JAMES GANDOLFINI, DIANE SAWYER, rocker DAVE MATTHEWS and TIM ROBBINS and SUSAN SARANDON all packed the house.

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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Lloyd Eisler, What Were You Thinking?

When "Skating with Celebrities" star LLOYD EISLER left his pregnant wife for partner and big-screen bimbette KRISTY SWANSON, he probably wasn't expecting her to turn into THIS....

Payback's a biatch, ain't it??

Related news: Lloyd Grinds Kristy into the Ice

Stern's Girlfriend Offered 'Dancing with the Stars' Gig

HOWARD STERN's gorgeous girlfriend BETH OSTROSKY is mulling an offer to join the new season of the hit series, "Dancing with the Stars," after the network offered her more than $100,000 to sign up. The long-legged pin-up called in to the "Stern Show" on Sirius yesterday to get ROBIN and the gang's impressions on whether she should join or not. Howard said he was supportive but Robin was concerned about the six-week dance training and shooting Beth would have to attend in Los Angeles, saying she didn’t think the needy, NYC-based Howard would be able to handle not having Beth by his side for even a second. "You won't break up at this time but you'll break up eventually and this will be the start of it," she gloomily predicted. GARY assured Beth that even if she sucks the show's fans would be sure to vote for her, thus keeping her on the series for a few weeks. Howard put on a brave face but was still whining about the fact that Beth got a massage from a male masseuse during their vacation last week. He was so worried about her being unfaithful that he locked himself in their hotel bathroom and wouldn't speak to her for hours. "If she wants to go do 'Dancing with the Stars,' I'm fine with it, I just don't want a guy massaging her," he said. "The reason I don't want her getting a massage with a man is because when I'm with a female masseuse, I'm dying to get my knob rubbed." Beth has a dance session next week. I say, forget that big-nosed bastard, Beth, and go for the gig!

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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Just In! First Pics of Tom's Alien Baby

This exclusive photo of new mom KATIE HOLMES nuzzling her baby girl has just been leaked. Aww, ain't they cute?

Okay, okay, so that's really a photo from the creature feature classic "GHOULIES." Same diff! haha. But in real life, baby SURI, meaning "princess" in Hebrew, arrived at Tom's Scientology compound weighing 7 pounds, 7 ounces and measuring 20 inches long! "Mother and daughter are doing well," the Tomkat couple announced via statement, according to People. In related news, designer shoe sales in Beverly Hills plunged dramatically today ....

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Hey Paris, Suck on This!

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Brooke Has a New 'Pretty Baby'

BROOKE SHIELDS is a mommy again, having just delivered baby girl GRIER HAMMOND this morning, People mag reports. Brooke had some rough spots with post-partum depression after her first wee one, ROWAN, was born 3 years ago but happily overcame it with the help of anti-depressants and therapy (not vitamins, like TOM C. suggested!) Hard to believe Brookie is a mom of two! She'll always be the "Calvin Klein"/"Blue Lagoon" girl to me...

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Monday, April 17, 2006

Madonna to Hump Giant $10 Million Crucifix

The great thing about MADONNA is that she always finds new and exciting ways to grind on things onstage. Take this report from WENN: For her new tour, the disco diva is reportedly having a massive blinged-out crucifix made as one of the centerpieces for her "Confessions on a Dance Floor" show. A source claims Madonna will descend to the stage on a glittering disco-ball crucifix, covered with diamonds and Swarovski crystals. The cross is rumored to cost $10 million, and is being constructed at a well-guarded airplane hangar in Los Angeles. According to the source, "It'll create a blinding light, like she's landing on the spaceship from E.T." Now you can't tell me the pop grandma isn't going to try to hump something that large and phallic. Frankly, it wouldn't be a Madge show if she didn't rub her privates on something, and, well, gay, back-up dancers and stripper poles have just become so "been there, done THAT." Thank you, Madonna, for keeping pop music fresh!

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Sunday, April 16, 2006

Run, Tom, Run! The Nike Spoof

TOM CRUISE is a runnin' fool in this clever compilation of clips from his movies set to music a la the Nike ads. Kinda reminds me of the "good, ole sane Tom" we used to know and love.

While somewhere in a luxury shoe department, Stepford wife KATIE wonders ...

"Uhhh, which shoes would look better in the stirrups?"

For more Tomkat,
Tom on Cannibalism.
The Katie Holmes Robot Doll!
Katie and Tom's Yahoo Blitz.
Secret Star Scientology Base Uncovered

Happy Easter!

For all you bunny lovers out there...

Hope you got some goodies in your basket!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Friday Funnies: The Muppets' Lost 'Star Wars' Auditions

What's more fun than the MUPPETS? Check out this video showing FOZZY BEAR, KERMIT and that crazy red-haired thing auditioning for the part of YODA in "The Empire Strikes Back." Adore it, you will!

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X-Tina's Husband Looks Miserable

Five months can be a lifetime in Tinseltown, so it's no wonder CHRISTINA AGUILERA's new hubby JORDAN BRATMAN looked like one miserable genie in a bottle, baby, at the recent Maxim Hot 100 party. The couple's Nov. 19 wedding was estimated to have cost $2 million and had everything from a chandelier crafted from 2,500 crystals to a five-tier chocolate cake festooned with hundreds of sugar flowers. That's a lotta dough!

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Thursday, April 13, 2006

Star Trend Alert! Attack of the Giant HandBags

Oversized bags are all the rage in Hollyweird, especially the white BALENCIAGA city bag LINDSAY LOHAN's clutching here. (KATE MOSS has it in practically all the colors.) But JESSICA SIMPSON may have taken the fad a little too far with this giant Navajo-lookin' tote. Whatcha got in there, Jess? (I mean, besides NICK's balls?)

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Tonight: A Surprise Wedding and the Top Models Sashay, Chantey!

MOLLIE SUE may have lost the CoverGirl contract, but she won a hubby! TVGuide reports she got hitched to her boyfriend right after being eliminated and is enjoying her honeymoon. (Congrats, girl!) Of course, the show must go on and tonight TYRA's girls get a ladylike lesson in "sashaying" and "twirling" for a "church fashion show" from the oh-so-preppy Harris twins, RICHARD and RON, on "America's Next Top Model" (8 p.m. UPN). But first the model wannabes have to complete a ghetto fabulous rooftop photo shoot that tests their dancing, er, "krumpin'" skills. "I can dance!" declares preacher's girl JOANIE, but JAY MANUEL doesn't think she's all that! There's too much "mean muggin'" going on, he sniffs about her photos, while elsewhere cracks are appearing in NENNA's frosty facade. The African beauty mocks BROOKE on the catwalk when she drops some accessories and a catfight ensues! (And yes, I said "facade," look it up, Miss JADE!) Speakin' of the diva, Jade is in her usual overconfident form announcing at the church challenge, "If there's a runway, Jade is gonna be on it." Something tells me there's a lot of cockroach-kissin' in this girl's future!

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Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Hottie on Board! The 'Jerry Maguire' Kid

Oh my, do my peepers deceive me or is JONATHAN LIPNICKI becoming a bonafide hottie? Here's the famously lisping kid from 'Jerry Maguire' at a stars and their pets event Monday night in hell-ay showing off his junior six-pack. Naughty, naughty! Show me the hottie!

Oops! Britney's Baby Goes Boom

Star mag now has the scoop! Loueeeziana's No. 1 mom is in trouble again. "The Insider" and "Us Weekly" began by reporting that Malibu Sheriff's deputies and the stiffs from Children's Services were called Saturday to BRITNEY's home a second time since that unfortunate baby-driving mishap. Looks like baby K-Fed took a tumble and conked his noggin'. Poor li'l hillbilly! How's the "Toxic" mama gonna explain this one?

(Photo courtesy: Perez Hilton!)

UPDATE! The Bosh has a sneak peek at the Star article which claims that on April 7, when Britney and Fed-her-a-line realized that their pookie had been sleeping more than usual, panic alarms went off. Just six days earlier, the 7-month-old had taken a major fall from his high chair, a tumble that had his parents worried that he might have been critically injured. After rushing Sean to a nearby hospital, they discovered he had a minor skull fracture (sometimes called a "scalp fracture" in babies), and a blood clot. The next day, the Department of Children and Family Services began looking into the incident and they had to explain themselves to the authorities.

On April 8, Cali Sheriff's deputies arrived at Britney's Malibu home to investigate a child-abuse claim against Britney and Kevin in relation to the head injury. These investigations are pretty standard. According to California law, whenever a baby is brought into the hospital with a serious injury, Family Services is alerted.

Related News:
Damage Control for Britney!

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Tom on Katie's Delivery and Cannibalism?

TOM CRUISE is talking again and that can only mean one thing: a rocketship ride to crazy town! In the new issue of GQ, not on stands til April 25th but already leaking out, Scientology's top Thetan says he wants KATIE to give birth in their "home, maybe. We're really going back and forth on that one. But it's gonna be a blast!" (Can't you just see him pumping his fist there?) He also talks about the sonogram machine he bought to take pics of their Tomkitten, saying: "We do it whenever we feel like it. At first we did it a lot. I don't know how many times, but I did not exceed FDA regulations! I'm a filmmaker -- I need to see the rushes!" And he jokes, at least I think he's joking, about cutting the newborn's cord, and, well, eating it. "I'm going to eat the placenta too. [laughs] I thought that'd be good. Very nutritious. I'm going to eat the cord and the placenta right there." Heh, heh. Er, funny, Tom. Very, er, funny.

For more Tomkat, click here!
Katie and Tom's Yahoo Blitz!
Secret Star Scientology Base Uncovered

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Monday, April 10, 2006

Gwyneth Hatches Another Kooky Baby Name

Congratulations to GWYNETH PALTROW, who delivered a baby boy over the weekend! And by "delivered," of course, I mean hired a team of doctors and nurses, rented the poshest hospital suite in town and scheduled a C-section, presumably while getting a mani-pedi simultaneously. C-sections are the latest star fad, don'tchaknow? Just ask MADGE. In any case, APPLE now has a brother, who Gwynnie joked earlier about naming Mortimer -- or Milton, was it? But it turns out, she has decided on MOSES. Suddenly, Apple seems downright cute, don't it?

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Sunday, April 09, 2006

It's Time to Play: Name Those Celebrity Boobs!

You see them on TV, on the magazine racks and in WILMER VALDERRAMA's case, just about every night in your million-dollar crib! So how good are you at ID'ing star boobies? See if you can guess the marvy mammaries above! Click for answers below:

No. 1!

No. 2!

No. 3!

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Friday, April 07, 2006

Countdown to Tomkitten

KATIE HOLMES doesn't even look nervous even though she's about to deliver the new Leader of Scientology any minute now. Here she is shopping solo Thursday in West Hollywood, CA.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Giant Eva Longoria Poster Angers Alien Warlords

The Gorgamatron Tribe of the 9th Lunar Galaxy gathered its armed deathfleet and headed towards Earth today after a giant poster of "Desperate Housewives" star EVA LONGORIA was unveiled in the Nevada desert. The 75-foot x 110-foot image of the bikinied bimbette was erected by Maxim magazine to celebrate its 100th issue and can reportedly be seen by orbiting satellites. It worked a little too well, however, and, in fact, showed up on the warmongering Gorgamatrons' radar, giving them the earth-bound target they need to lay siege. Gather your canned goods, folks, or prepare to be bantha fodder!

(Boob Quiz Answer No. 1 Below!)

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Mariah Announces New Perfume (Donuts Not Included)

You know those halcyon days when you wake up groggy under a heap of cigarette butts, Entenmann's cinnamon-covered mini-donuts and a leftover bottle of Peach schnapps you've had since your best friend's bachelorette party? Well, thankfully, cosmetics giant ELIZABETH ARDEN is going to bottle that delightful scent so now we can enjoy it day after day. And who better to represent this toe-up fragrance than MARIAH CAREY? The jelly-thighed singer has been signed to launch her own perfume, much like they did with BRITNEY SPEARS "Curious" and "Fantasy." (And just look what it did for Brit's career!) The as-yet-unnamed scent will be out sometime in 2007. But why stop there? Frankly, we can't wait for the WHITNEY HOUSTON perfume. Eau de Crack Den. (As featured in the latest National Enquirer, on stands now!)

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Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Vote for the World's Ugliest Dog

The death of SAM the Chinese Crested last November left a terrible void in the Ugly Dog realm, and now you too can help crown the new "World's Ugliest Dog." The Sonoma Marin Fair in Cali is holding a contest, and voters are needed to help choose the most putrid pooch. The new winner will be announced on June 23, and the lucky owner gets $1,000 and a trophy.

Among the lovely contestants are MISS ELLIE and LUCILLE BALD (above). Miss Ellie is also a Chinese crested who enjoys long walks to the water bowl and gumming intruders with her toothless jaws. She is also reportedly covered in "warts." While Lucille kinda looks like the love child of TINKERBELL and ANDREW DICE CLAY. Aww, don't you just wanna give 'em both a big wet kiss?

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Freaky Star Hookups: Heather Locklear and David Spade?!

It's gotta be "Roofies." How else to explain why longtime hottie HEATHER LOCKLEAR is now reportedly dating skinny goofball DAVID SPADE? The unlikely twosome were spotted kissing at a Hollywood hot spot, according to Us Weekly. And the divorce papers aren't even cold between Heather and hubby RICHIE SAMBORA! Please, wake us when this Hollywood nightmare ends....

More Freaky Star Hookups:
Ryan Seacrest and Teri Hatcher
Pam and Kanye
Kristin Cavallari and Nick Lachey
Dominic Monaghan & Evangeline Lilly

Tyra Collapses on Tonight's 'Top Model'!

She's pulled a lot of diva tricks on "America's Next Top Model," like crying with the contestants and making them dance in her half-assed music video, but on tonight's new show, TYRA will pass out cold on the show! "Entertainment Tonight" reports the shit goes down like this,
"I have been working so hard. I am so tired, you guys. I don't mean to be all weak in front of you, but I am lightheaded," Tyra says. Then she attempts to stand up, saying, "I am all right," when she falls.

Gurrl, please! We know the show is all about YOU! Give it a rest! Also on tonight's episode, the wannabes get comedy lessons in improv from the famous GROUNDLINGS, who have spawned stars like WILL FERRELL and LISA KUDROW. And then the girls must put their comic skills to work for a new "CoverGirl" commercial. Aiiiyeeeesh! Can't you just hear the crickets now?

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Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Prince Sells Out to 'American Idol'!

Funkmaster PRINCE is "thisclose" to bringing his high-heeled boots and ruffled shirts to the "American Idol" stage, PageSix reports. Prince is reportedly so anxious to sell copies of his new CD, 3121, that his advisors have told him the only way he can do so is to perform on the hit reality show, much like BARRY MANILOW did. I can just see it now: "Prince Week"! Imagine ACE trying to belt out a falsetto on His Purpleness's "Diamonds and Pearls" and suck-up judge RANDY JACKSON kissing Prince's shoes! According to one source, the "Purple Rain" star has been hard to convince, however, because "Prince apparently hates the show and has never even watched it."

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Monday, April 03, 2006

Britney Hires Midgets to Amuse K-Fed

Proving there's nothing BRITNEY SPEARS won't do to keep her "old man" happy, the pop blimp reportedly hired female midgets, er, "little people," to entertain K-FED-HER-A-LINE at his Vegas birthday bash.

According to, the "Toxic" trailer cutie asked two P.O.U.S.S'es (People of Unusually Small Size) to carry a cake to K-Fed during his 28th birthday party at Tao. The Popozao papa was reportedly delighted with the surprise, no doubt because it reminded him of his days not so long ago as a travelin' carnie. Brit became insanely jealous, however, when he began ogling the curvaceous young ladies and immediately tried to divert his attention by shoving his face in her drooping utters.

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Kill the Stylist! Star Fashions Gone Wrong

With the "Kids' Choice Awards" in hell-ay and the "Juno Awards" in Canada, there was bad fashion all over the bloody continent! Here's a roundup of the biggest "oh no, you din'ts" of the weekend...

Hey, HILARY! Tell JOEL the "Grease 3" casting is down the street...

Layers are for cakes, LINDSAY! Not dresses...

But this is a real "Duncan Hiney."

"Drat, this jacket fit this morning, I swear!" PAMMY mused at the "Juno Awards"...

PINK, oh no!

I dream of trannies! Would you believe, this was FERGIE all in the same night at the same event?!

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