Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Could Someone Really Have Impregnated This?

UPDATE: It's true! She's knocked up, according to her website:

Rumors just won't die that ANNA NICOLE SMITH is preggers! Today, gossips RUSH & MOLLOY reported that Smith visited L.A.'s posh baby boutique Petit Tresor and gave the distinct impression she'll be suiting up a little girl. "She and a female friend were looking at mostly pink onesies, pajamas and blankets," a spy tells the columnist. "The kind of things you get when you first find out." Smith's lawyer, HOWARD K. STERN, said: "That rumor is entirely false," but the usually skankariffic TrimSpa spokesbabe has been noticably absent from the red carpets lately, indicating she could be nursing a bump...

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Angelina's Dad Begs to See Granddaughter

JON VOIGHT will get to see baby SHILOH just about the same time monkeys fly out of BRAD PITT's butt. ANGELINA JOLIE's estranged dad is already whining to the press about not seeing his newborn granddaughter, according to columnist LLOYD GROVE. The 67-year-old Oscar winner has launched a public lobbying campaign to be allowed to see the messiah baby. "The birth of this child is very exciting," Voight told Steppin' Out mag on Monday afternoon as they sat in a van parked outside the restaurant Veselka in NYC. "I'm very, very happy for both of them. My love is with them always. I hope one day soon that I'll be saying hello to them." The former "Midnight Cowboy," who once urged his daughter to seek help for emotional problems on national TV, declined to discuss their prickly relationship. "I just don't want to talk about that now," he insisted, "because I don't think it's appropriate. I just don't want to go into that."

Related news:
Brangie's Baby Drops, World's Ills Cured

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Monday, May 29, 2006

RIP: 'Breakfast Club''s Detention-Crazed Principal

I'm sad to report that PAUL GLEASON, the character actor famous for playing the principal who tortures JUDD NELSON, MOLLY RINGWALD and ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL and the rest of the Brat Pack crew brilliantly in "The Breakfast Club," died Saturday of mesothelioma, a rare form of lung cancer linked to asbestos. Known for his hilarious devil-horn finger gestures and lines like "What was that ruckus?" Gleason, 67, was adept at playing angry civil servants and bullies on screen. He may have played a first-class jerk in the movies but Paul was cool enough to show up last year at the MTV Movie Awards with the cast to accept the "Silver Bucket of Excellence Award." In fact, he was a ball-player, recruited to play Triple-A minor league baseball in the late 1950s before becoming an actor and appearing in over 60 movies like "Die Hard" and "Trading Places." "Whenever you were with Paul, there was never a dull moment," his wife said. "He was awesome."

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Saturday, May 27, 2006

Brangie's Baby Drops and World's Problems Cured

BRAD PITT and ANGELINA JOLIE welcomed baby girl SHILOH NOUVEL JOLIE-PITT today in Africa, and immediately Palestinians and Jews dropped their weapons and hugged, and the blind and crippled were miraculously healed. Whaaa? You don't believe me? Cynics! Sadly, little MADDOX and ZAHARA have already been told to give up their beds and toys and move to the servants' quarters. Awwww, that's mean, Brangelina!

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Jacko Comes Out of Hiding With a New Look

MICHAEL JACKSON turned up at MTV Japan's "Legend Awards" Saturday night looking like an extra from "Desperado." The Wacko Hombre arrived Friday night with his three children on the first leg of a swing through Asia that will include stops in Singapore, Shanghai, China and Hong Kong. Responding to his fans screaming "I love you!" Jackson replied: "I love you more" in a way that wasn't at all creepy. Tokyo residents, hide your children!

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Deeeeeeep Thoughts from Britney

Lest she fall out of the spotlight for 30 seconds, BRITNEY SPEARS has posted a poem on her personal Website flaming someone that everyone hopes is K-FED-HER-A-LINE with craptastic lines like: "What will you say and what will you do? She's not the same person you're used to." Here's the full rundown:

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Friday, May 26, 2006

Friday Funnies: The Devilish Delight of Hot Pockets

For everyone who's ever eaten a Hot Pocket and regretted it immediately, comedian JIM GAFFIGAN dedicates this hilarious rant to the detestable microwave snack.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Can We Talk About Gaiken's Hair?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, TAYLOR HICKS won "American Idol" last night and that's all good but, more importantly, what the heck did CLAY AIKEN do to his hair? He strolled onstage last night looking like a bad LIZA MINNELLI impersonator....

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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Exclusive! Danielle on Life After 'Top Model'

She's a CoverGirl, mommy! Hey, even though "America's Next Top Model" may be over, I was able to postpone my withdrawal pangs for one more week when I got a chance to chat with gawgeous and funny DANIELLE EVANS, 20, last night! She told me how she's spent the last six months undercover since the finale was taped (sleeping mostly! She says) and what we didn't see behind the scenes in the House That Ty-Ty Built. (Lots of free-styling with JOANIE, for one.)

So what did we miss?: "They left out a lot a WHOLE lot, especially between me and MOLLIE SUE. Mollie named me "Petey" and I named her "Kitty." It all happened because of the transformations, so when I got the long hair she said, 'You look all soft like a kitty,' and when she got the short hair, I thought she looked like Peter Pan – Petey!"

Was FURONDA the most disgusting housemate?: "I went into FURONDA's bathroom and I smelled this really bad stench and I looked down and saw this old, disgusting yogurt! I ran out and got Mollie and said you have to smell this -- and I pushed her face in it! (laughing)"

On dragging herself out of the hospital to ride an elephant for the final shoot!: "I'm not really a crier or a crybaby. I have a really high tolerance for pain so I said, 'Okay Danielle, you can either just sit in the bed and mope or go out and prove yourself!' Those circumstances were definitely different than any I've been in my life. It was the first time ever in my life being in the hospital and it happened away from the family. That was the biggest challenge."

On her favorite girls in the house: "I keep in contact with really all of them. I didn’t have a least favorite girl and I'm being honest. I didn’t have any drama or anything."

And what about her highness, Miss JADE?: "Yeah, I didn't have a problem with Jade and Jade didn’t have a problem with me. Obviously me and Jade didn't get into it. What they didn’t show was the last episode where Jade was eliminated and she came and hugged me and she whispered to me, "Go win it!"

Thanks to Danielle and the UPN folks for the interview! Can't wait to see "Kitty"'s "Life as a CoverGirl." Her two-page ad is in the newest People mag with the "Half Their Size" folks on the front.

Related News:

Danielle Wins ANTM
Jade Meets Her Match!
Mollie Sue Gets Married
Top Models Lluvy, Brittany and Bacteria Girl on the Town

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Hugh Jackman Is My Density

Hands off my man, HALLE! Seriously, how cute is this man? "X3" is finally in theaters Friday and has a 63 percent fresh rating on

Marry me, Wolverine? (Sigh)

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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Jennifer's All Chin at the 'Break-Up' Premiere

I used to pooh-pooh those crazy tabloid rumors that JENNIFER ANISTON has a "chin implant," but then I saw these photos from "The Break Up" premiere last night ...

Christ on a cracker! It's no wonder that VINCE VAUGHN arrived late and kept his distance from his lantern-jawed co-star, insisting, "I don't have any date tonight." Why, she reminds me of another young hottie back in the day ...

That RUTH BUZZI used to drive the lads wild!

For you youngsters, "Ruth Buzzi was one out of only four people to appear in every episode of the sketch comedy show 'Laugh-In.' Her signature character was the frowzy spinster 'Gladys Ormphby,' clad in brown with her bun hairdo covered by a visible hairnet," according to the record of all things that be, Wikipedia.

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Bruce Willis Wears Suit So Ugly, Wave Attacks Him

I'm not sure when BRUCE WILLIS went colorblind, but he's recently taken to wearing clothes so ugly that even Mother Nature had to pimp slap him this week. At the Cannes Film Festival in France (where he wore this atrocious suit), Bruce was giving an interview to promote "Over the Hedge" when a rogue wave apparently snuck up from behind and soaked him -- much to the delight of the interviewers! (If anyone knows where there's video of this let me know...)

Here's a funny clip of Bruce on the "Late Show with DAVE LETTERMAN" wearing another horrible suit and joking, "Look, not everybody can wear safety orange."

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Sunday, May 21, 2006

Jessica Punches the Paparazzi!

I always knew JESSICA ALBA was a bad mamma jamma! Here she is taking out some pesky paparazzo! Actually, it's just a promo for the "2006 MTV Movie Awards," which she's hosting on Thursday, June 8th. The gag is that photographers are chasing down Jessica, who beats them up with a bag of doggy vittles, only to realize they were actually trying to get shots of NICOLE RICHIE, just a few feet away! Nicole then turns and sneers, "Bitch." Sounds hilarious.

Related News:
Nicole's Pin Thin Layout
Jessica's Wardrobe Malfunction!

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Da Vinci Crushes Critics, Catholics and Cruise

The blockbuster "Da Vinci Code" movie dismayed cranky critics and the Vatican by drawing huge crowds to the theaters this weekend. It opened in the U.S.'s No. 1 spot with a whopping $77 million (that's $30 large more than TOM CRUISE's "M:I:iii" opener) even after the Vatican called for Catholics to boycott the movie because of its "blasphemous" premise that Jesus had a child with Mary Magdalene and the Catholic Church hushed it up. In Italy, near the Pope's crib, members of the Catholic group "Christian Militants" picketed some cinemas in central Rome, chanting "DAN BROWN, remember you will also be judged by Christ," but the majority of moviegoers stood in line to see the flick. The movie even surpassed receipts brought in by Italy's previous pride and joy, Oscar-winner ROBERTO BENIGNI's 1997 Holocaust drama "Life is Beautiful." (Nevertheless, I'm still gonna wait for the DVD! That hair, Tom, that HAIR.)

Related News:
Hanks, Tautou Flee Angry Da Vinci Critics

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Kiefer's Lost Holiday Or Why Xmas Trees Must Die

This past holiday, I reported on a hilarious eyewitness account of "24"'s KEIFER SUTHERLAND going nutso and tackling a Christmas tree in a British hotel lobby. (Hey, sometimes those trees talk a lotta smack!) Miracle of miracles, there is apparently video of the whole takedown ...

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Friday, May 19, 2006

Is Britney Really 'The Simpsons' Hillbilly Brandine?

Hey, y'all! When I saw these new pics of BRITNEY's latest baby bobble in New York, I had the weirdest sense of deja vu! I KNEW I'd seen this look before. And then it hit me...

Brit is totally BRANDINE, the trailer trash hottie from "The Simpsons!"

Dang, Cletus, wearin' clothes is hard!

Related News:
Damage Control for Britney!
Oops! Britney's Baby Goes Boom
Britney Hires Midgets for K-Fed

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Thursday, May 18, 2006

Laughing at the Lindsay, Paris Catfight!

Oh, snap! I actually swore on a stack of True Religion jeans that I wouldn't waste any more pixels on man-handed skank PARIS HILTON but her feud with LINDSAY LOHAN is just getting too funny to resist. You've probably heard about Paris and professional booze-hound BRANDON DAVIS trashing Lindsay in a paparazzi video on, calling her a "firecrotch" and saying other insanely obscene things concerning her red locks and how bad her movies are. (Uh, House of Wax, anyone?) Okay, so pinheads will be pinheads -- but what's funnier is the reason: Apparently Lindsay has been smooching Paris' ex, STAVROS NIARCHOS, all week. And she's also forged some kind of Wonder Twin super-bond with the anti-Paris, NICOLE RICHIE, as evidenced by their catwalk debut last Friday at the "Race to Erase MS" event in Hollywood.

Even funnier, the HOWARD STERN Show folks got wind of the catfight and called these biatches out this morning. Howard said, "If you hated Paris Hilton before, when you see this video you will go out of your mind. I mean, she's an animal."

ARTIE said, "So Lindsay's movie bombed. What are Paris' movies doing?"

Then GARY chimed in, "Brandon's talking about Lindsay's vagina. But we've all seen Paris's vagina. We actually know what it looks like."

Funny how Hollywood is like one big junior high quad, no?

Related News:
Paris Sucks It Good
So This is Where She Gets It
Matt and Kristin Cavallari

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Congratulations, Danielle! America's Next Top Model

BAM! Last night's finale of "America's Next Top Model" was the first time where it felt like two really strong candidates finally made it to the top two. DANIELLE's been taking gorgeous pics throughout, even while riding an elephant 24 hours after getting out of the hospital, while JOANIE has that classic, movie-star bone structure. (I still say that hack dentist messed up her veneers tho -- she's got that horsy look.)

Of course, we knew JADE was the fly in the dippity-doo, just there long enough to stir up enough drama to distract us from the real competitors. Thank God, she can now go back to torturing coffee-houses with her half-assed poetry. Get a dictionary, bizzatch!

Still I was shocked at the judges' final reveal. Even though I've loved Danielle's personality throughout the show, I honestly thought Joanie would pull off the crown in the end just because Tyra kept harping on Danielle's Southern-fried, Little Rock accent. (I'm from the South too so I can relate!) I can't help but wonder how much say CoverGirl has in these choices, especially after NICOLE LINKLETTER's snoozy commercials. "This is a day in my life as a CoverGirl ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz." Maybe they wanted a girl with a pulse this time!

(You saw it last night first! Check out Danielle's first CoverGirl ad in this issue of People, on stands Friday.)

Finally, according to "Entertainment Tonight," the show wrapped months ago and Danielle's been training ever since with a speech coach at the University of Arkansas. Hey, it ain't Hah-vard, but this is UPN, people, whaddaya expect? You can hear the improvements already here.

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Hanks/Tautou Flee Angry Da Vinci Critics

Maybe premiering "The Da Vinci Code" movie at the Cannes Film Fest wasn't such a grand idea, the filmmakers must be thinking after it debuted in France today. The first reviews are trickling in and so far the critics are doing everything but pelting the screen with brie and baguettes!

STEPHEN SCHAEFER of the "Boston Herald," sniped, "'Nothing really works. It's not suspenseful. It's not romantic. It's certainly not fun. It seems like you're in there forever. And you're conscious of how hard everybody's working to try to make sense of something that basically perhaps is unfilmable."

Variety gripes, "No chemistry exists between the hero and heroine, and motivation remains a troubling sore point. Why does the innocent professor flee? Why is Sophie so eager to help? Why is anyone doing what he does when so many characters and subplots turn into red herrings?"

While the Hollywood Reporter moans, "The RON HOWARD-directed film features one of TOM HANKS' more remote, even wooden performances in a role that admittedly demands all the wrong sorts of things from a thriller protagonist..."

Tom joked yesterday on "The Insider" that opening in France at "the granddaddy of all film festivals is a recipe for disaster! It is fistfights and riots and stabbings and fire extinguishers and the whole bit. The Palais Du Cinema will be torn to ribbons!" Looks like he wasn't far off!

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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Is J.Lo Knocked Up?

Does JENNIFER LOPEZ have a bambino on board? InTouch magazine is running with a story that "Jenny from the Block" is preggers after she appeared at the Time Magazine "100 Most Influential" party wearing this loose-fitting gown and sporting gray hairs in her obsessively coiffed 'do.

"She always colors her hair," a pal whispers to the mag. "But Jen said if she got pregnant, she'’d be so grateful, she wouldn't care about roots." Further proof was logged when another so-called informant said, "She won'’t touch a sip of alcohol -- she even turned down a glass of her favorite Krug champagne at a recent dinner in New York!"

No champagne?!? Break out the breast pumps! She sure doesn't look in the motherly way to me but, I was just reading in "The Globe" about J.Lo's supposed insane jealousy over JENNIFER GARNER having baby VIOLET with her ex, BEN AFFLECK, so it could be true. Although knowing J.Lo, she'd probably make MARC carry the fetus before she'd risk those unsightly stretch marks!

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Sunday, May 14, 2006

Oh, Baby, Baby, Happy Mother's Day!

Baby factory BRITNEY and little SEAN P.

Gorgeous BROOKE SHIELDS with ROWAN and baby GRIER.

And everyone's fave brainwashed mom -- KATIE HOLMES! Uh, Katie? Helloooo? Earth to Katie?

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Jessica Simpson Goes Red!

Well, now I have seen it all. JESSICA SIMPSON turned up Sunday night at the ALMA Latino Awards lookin' like REBA McENTIRE with red hair! Knowing Jess, it's probably her idea of a ditzy Latin tribute. (EVA LONGORIA hosted the evening.) Ay dios mio!

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Thursday, May 04, 2006

I Saw TomKat in Person! (No Joke)

(I gotta get a real camera.)

Just got back from seeing TOM & KATIE today at Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood, where Tom hosted a "fan screening" of "Mission Impossible: 3." Katie was there, making her first post-SURI appearance. They drove up in a mad black Bugatti sportscar, probably one he uses in the flick, and he signed autographs for about an hour. Katie is much cuter in person, and was wearing a black dress with draping in the front so you couldn't really see her leftover baby bump. (She also wore white pumps, which I thought was an odd choice, but hey, maybe it's a Scientology thing!) Tom wore a matching black suit and unfortunately is so short I couldn't get many good shots of him. He was very gracious with the fans and stopped to take pics along an entire city block. The Scientology Celebrity Centre must have been empty that day b/c also on the red carpet were fellow Xenu lovers KIRSTIE ALLEY, LEAH REMINI and JENNA ELFMAN. Tom's bud WILL SMITH was even in the house making a ruckus by running up the theater aisles yelling "Tom? Tom Cruise? I'm looking for Tom!" (He must be on the same happy juice Katie's on.)

The Ride.

"Oh, thanks! My hemorrhoids were killing me."

No baby bump there! Cute bangs tho.

For more Tomkat,
First Pics of Suri
Tom to Feed Baby Crazy Religious Formula
Tom on Cannibalism.
Tom is Not a Control Freak
Katie and Tom's Yahoo Blitz.
The Katie Holmes Robot Doll!
Secret Star Scientology Base Uncovered

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Paris Hilton's New Man!

I'm starting to think PARIS HILTON should be forced to wear one of those Health Safety ratings cards, "A," "B," "C," like the restaurants must display, around her neck at all times. (Hers must be a "D" by now.) Just 24 hours after announcing her split from STAVROS NIARCHOS, she's been spotted shopping with USC QB and NICK LACHEY pal, MATT LEINART. She's wearing a brown wig but I'd know those man hands anywhere!

Related News:
Paris Sucks It Good
So This is Where She Gets It
Matt and Kristin Cavallari

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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Nicole Richie's Pin-Thin Layout

Mmm, who loves ya baby?

Sexy stick figure NICOLE RICHIE is interviewed in "Vanity Fair"'s new issue and talks about her often-alarming weight, saying she's "not happy" with the way she looks. "I know I'm too thin right now, so I wouldn't want any young girl looking at me and saying, 'That's what I want to look like,'" the "Simple Lifer" says. She blames her breakup with DJ AM for those razor sharp collar bones, saying, "it eats me up inside when I'm upset about something," she explains. Hey, every girl knows how bad a break up can be on your weight, hair (remember when PAM ANDERSON lopped off her sex kitten hair after breaking up with TOMMY LEE the first time?) and wallet (Did someone say "shoe sale"??) But somehow Nic's excuse doesn't quite fly.

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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Is Ashley Olsen Really The Silent Hill girl?

Ain't I good with the airbrushing? This only took me 7 hours. (No, not really.)

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